Crystal Lake Countdown's Birthday

(Editors Note: Repeat Alert...mailing it in!)I never forget this day, I simply never do.It all started in Up-State, NY in the late 70’s. That is, the legend of Camp Crystal Lake and Jason Voorhees. Come on, go ahead and admit that you have seen at least one of these “classic” (and I don’t use that term loosely) films. How could anyone have possibly not seen at least ONE of these films?The famous quote “Today is his Birthday” by Betsy Palmer (Jason’s mother) is what spurned the series and fed the legend of Jason Voorhees. And to be honest when it comes to Jason I just can’t seem to help myself, he’s just that good...a fucking legend to say the LEAST.The man has surpassed every generational test for a serial killer. Has anyone ever sustained a longer revenge tour? You try to chop his head off, club him with a machete, file an axe to the side of his noggin, set him on fire, cryogenic-ally freeze him, send him to space, or bring in Freddy, but NONE of it works.The guy is patient, persistent and most of all unflappable. He thrives under pressure and continuously defies the odds. Sound a little like Michael Jordan, huh? Maybe just maybe we should start labeling Voorhees as the MJ of serial killers? The only thing lacking is the charisma, but the “will” and “determination” are both there.Oh well, but I digress.You should know by now that today is Friday the 13th and the EPIC re-make and release hits the big screen today. I'll pause before I give my take on the new film for now. However, don't forget to scan the channels for some "original" Jason marathon's tonight. Thankfully, I own the entire collection on DVD and just maybe, I’ll have my own marathon.You see, a lot of people tend to think that Jason is just some fucking freak wearing a hockey mask that picked up a butcher knife and started killing people. Wrong and Wrong. Jason was a “special” boy…who was simply defending his family honor. There is a moral here…teenage counselors having sex is no way to run a Camp. None of this shit would’ve ever happened if those fucking counselors didn’t let him drown so they could sneak in a quickie in the woods. That set his mother off to get her revenge and then it just progressed from there after she got her head chopped off.Regardless, it did happen and we may have never been blessed with the legend of Jason, had it not. And so, on this of all special days I'm going to give you an “Elite Eight” honor roll of the timeless classic horror story. Yes, eight handpicked favorite moments of mine throughout the entire series. Without having to wet your appetite any further here goes my best shot and in ascending order…#8 – Tina brings Jason back to life with Psychic Powers (Part VII)So maybe the writers had lost a little creative edge and were at a loss for how they could bring Jason back this time. We can only imagine that some poor writer blurted out the following…“Let’s just have some girl who has Psychic Powers attempt to bring her father (whom she killed with the same Psychic Powers nearly 15 years to the day) back to life. However, by some freakish mistake she accidentally brings Jason back to life, as his corpse is still rotting just off the dock in 10-12 feet deep water, with a boulder secured to his ankle form Part VI.”Coincidentally enough, that man/woman is probably not working in Hollywood anymore. Yet, I have to say the first time I saw ‘Part VII: The New Blood’ I was a believer. What seemed brilliant back then only pales as moronic today.#7 - Rick has his eyeballs pop-out of his head in 3-D (Part III)I’ve often longed for a pair of original flimsy 3-D glasses, so that I could capture this scene in HD/3-D style.Let's re-hash; Rick stepped out of the Cabin to check on things, not expecting to lose sight as to what was going on (bad pun). Anyhow, moments later he was dangling on the side of the house just out of Krissy’s view and then BAM…His eyeballs came protruding out of his head and probably created quite a special 3-D effect. This was a highly underrated take down for Jason. Rick was strong, had the characteristics of a hero and seemed clever enough to live.#6 – Crispin Glover (Jimbo) gets corkscrewed in the Kitchen (Part IV)I couldn’t leave out Jimbo (Crispin Glover) overcoming his “dead fuck” status and celebrating banging one of the hot twins with a glass of wine. Problem is he waltzed into the same kitchen where Jason happened to be. He also broke the cardinal rule of having sex anywhere remotely near Jason Voorhees.So, Jason drilled a corkscrew into his hand and polished off his Picasso with a meat clever to the face. Diversity, diversity, diversity…Voorhees thrived on killing with style. No knock on Michael Myers, but he was never flashy as a serial killer, for Jason it was a craft.#5 – Goodbye Bacon and thanks for not flashing us (Part I)This makes the cut simply for the fact that it pertains to Kevin Bacon. Anytime you can see him eliminated from a film before he has the chance to give a full flaccid frontal shot, it's worth the nod. Technically, this murder was anything, but original. We are talking about an arrow from underneath the bed through the sternum.Nothing flashy, but then again it wasn’t Jason that killed Bacon, it was his mom.#4 – Alice chops off the head of Pamela Voorhees on the Beach (Part I)As already mentioned, this was one of the most defingin moments in the entire series. After going virtually unnoticed the entire film, Mrs. Voorhees surfaces to explain the reason behind her revenge on Camp Crystal Lake. For the novice, this film and this moment really will help to explain quite a bit for you.The significance of the scene is that the actual beheading took place just ashore from where Jason’s body lay eternally in the depths of the Lake. This is where it all began. Call it nocturnal vision, intuition or what you may, but Jason saw the whole thing transpire and awoke from his slumber to continue the Voorhees family revenge tour.#3 – Mark takes a machete to the face and then a ride down the stairs (Part II)While the rest of the counselors were preparing for their evening acts of coitus, Mark was roaming around in his wheelchair pouting that he was probably not going to get any pussy. He wheeled off into the night and sat out on the patio to watch the rain. Why did it always seem to rain during these movies...did Jason...make it rain? Yet, upon suspicion he chose to follow his ear and track down the location of a peculiar noise. Always a vital mistake, characteristic of most victims, was to instinctively act on suspicion. Needless, Jason lured Mark in and plucked a machete directly to the face and sent Mark on his way down three flights of stairs.#2 – Cort and Nikki bang in a RV, which pisses Jason off big-time (Part VI)Classic 80’s stereotypes were evidenced in this trademark (have sex, you die) scene. As should be noted, Jason was never a big fan of sex on or anywhere near the hallowed grounds of Crystal Lake Township. He could smell the sex in the air a mile away and it served as motivation to kill.In this particular scene Cort, a dead ringer for vintage A.C Slater was banging the typical 80’s heavy metal groupie, Nikki. The power suddenly goes out in theie RV and Cort is forced to go outside and fix the problem. He gets the power back up and running, jumps into the driver's seat and cranks the music, as the RV pulls away. Little did both know that Jason snuck in the RV somehow when Cort was fixing the power (baffling, but the man was good).Nikki ends up having her face go through the bathroom mirror at the hands of Voorhees. Cort is oblivious the whole time, because the music is so loud (so typical). Jason strangles Cort from behind as he is driving; the RV crashes and explodes. NO surprise, Jason emerges from the flames.You can’t STOP this guy. This double murder scene was the equivalent of a walk-off homerun in a baseball playoff game (improbable, emotional and explosive).#1 – Julius gets into a boxing match-up with Jason and loses his head (Manhattan)I can’t write about this scene enough without chuckling. In total I’ve watched the scene a total of 200 times and rewound it at least 200 more…if that makes sense. This was Jason’s last real stand, before they made a mockery of him.Why not make a little humor out of murder? I mean were people ever really going to take a film called Jason Takes Manhattan seriously? Of course not, so just to add a little comedy towards the climax, Jason and our buddy Julius got into a boxing match atop an abandoned building, nowhere near downtown New York.Julius opened with the upper hand. He threw a series of jabs that seemed to momentarily rattle Voorhees. Yet all it took was Jason landing one punch to the face, and Julius was instantly decapitated. Adding insult to injury, Julius’s head rolled down the side of the building and landed off the back of a dumpster before falling in completely. This prompted the dumpster to slam shut. It feels good to say “And-1” every time I watch this scene.Proof positive this is a great scene; you can even enjoy it on repeat without the aid of Marijuana. That’s always a good litmus test on humor, whether you need Pot or not to laugh.And so with all that and thanks for the ears and eyes if you made it this far. Don’t forget tonight; catching an old Friday the 13th is like finding a vintage Michael Jordan game on ESPN classic. It never gets old and kindles the memories of greatness.A Happy Friday the 13th to all!!!