Slowly Going Into This

Location: St. Julian's, MaltaWake up at 3:00 PM. Fall out of bed. Drag a comb across my bed.Seeing where I really am.It's weird, now that I am off the grind I almost don't know what to do with myself. Despite all of my railing against normal society I feel most in its grasp. I am dependent on the rush, staying busy, of working all day, to keep me from going insane. If I am not working on something, or toward something, often I just get trapped in my own thoughts. I pace these halls.I'm not depressed anymore. I had problems with depression when I started this poker thing, or hell, adult life thing. Now I'm just kind of apathetic/content/happy. Hopefully working into something more.I feel content most of the time, but other times I wonder what the hell else I'm looking for. I never really feel satisfied. This time, I really have a lot of what I thought I needed, so I know its a personal problem. Always trying to patch holes that aren't there.The days have been lazy here. I wake up at 2:00-3:00ish. Sleeping 9 or 10 hours. I'm waiting for the water to get warm enough so I can swim. Since I can't yet I just do my normal jog, some push-ups. I'm getting skinnier and my arms don't look like twigs, which is nice, but I don't feel physically strong as I used to. I still feel physically stronger and in better shape than the average male but coming off the road and trying to work out every single day its a bit more obvious I've lost strength I used to have.Smoking doesn't help. Probably fucking with my lungs. Fuck it, let's make it clear, I don't smoke cigarettes, and I don't do hard drugs, and I really can't drink worth a shit, but I do enjoy hash and weed. For a long time I never did either, because I figured up till a certain age my brain was still developing, and also because I never really had any desire to do either. When people try to force me to do things it just pisses me off. It wasn't till I was in an environment where I was around it all the time in Seattle and nobody was pressuring me to do anything that I tried it. And yeah, I enjoy it.I always just said "smoking" in here because I thought maybe there might come a time when a site might consider me for a sponsorship and I didn't want it all over my blog, but you know what, fuck it, I don't have a prayer of ever getting a sponsorship from Stars, the only site that would give a shit. I speak only English, I'm white, and I'm American. I have no shot.I see where they are going with their family-friendly image, and its not really their fault society takes this view that me smoking trees up on my balcony to relax before I go back to work is worse than somebody drinking and getting in everybody's face, or being aggressive to some girl, but whatever. The latter behavior just happens, it's expected, but I'm some criminal.I'm sure my family is going to love reading this. Not that most of them don't already know about me, or that the stories of drunken debauchery worldwide weren't enough, but yeah, whatever.The nice thing about poker is I can just be whoever I want, wear what I want, do what I want, and I don't have to listen to anybody's shit. This world is full of people who settled, who want to burn you for not being in their same situation, in their same sinking ship. I got so fed up listening to other people's shit, other people's negativity.It's a huge reason I don't want to go back to the states. I have this expensive storage unit, I should just clear out and give away the things I have in there, because as expensive as they were they can't be worth how much it will cost me to store them for how long I am gone. I want to see my family and enjoy what I love in the states for a couple months then bail again.It's just materialism, and the type of people it breeds, I can't handle them. I love so much about the states but working yourself to death is so glamorized, and so many of the people are just so hollow to me. When I dated girls there it was like I was a commodity, a product, and once I wore off they moved on to the next guy. That was cool, I was doing my own thing too, but if I wanted a real relationship in Seattle forget about it.How much I make comes up so often. People are so fucking rude.I'd tell people I was a professional poker player and I'd get the 'oh, okay' and weird look. Like "you didn't play by the rules I've been taught since I was eight years old mister, if you want to be successful you need to go to school till your mid-twenties then work your ass off for someone else, then you'll get two weeks off a year and it will be grand."Then they'd see my place, and oh my god, suddenly I was this REALLY COOL PERSON. Dude, we should invite him over tonight.People see those interviews I do with Pokernews or whatever online and suddenly I'm someone valid. Zomg, an interview, like my favorite idols do!I'm going to be on TV now for the European Poker Tour! OMG. I must be a real pro now!Malta, if I'm meeting someone, there is a ton of materialism and bullshit here too, but I have to actually be a decent person.I just don't get it. People would come to my house and be like "wow you're doing well", and that was cool to hear, but I've never owned a car, I've never owned a watch. I just got a cell phone here for the first time in half a year. I go back home to the states and my friends working fucking retail jobs are buying Seven jeans and shit.I just want what I need at that moment. I spend too much on food. I spend too much going out. I spent a lot in Seattle on having a house that made me feel really comfortable to be in. Those things make me happy. I don't really buy expensive clothes, fancy electronics, cars, any of that because it doesn't do anything for me.Still, Malta has a ton of this too, materialism. Most places do. It's sad to me, the more I travel, the more I see my own country in everywhere.I could go on forever, just ranting, since I just woke up, but yeah what I meant to say at the beginning of that long-winded sidebar is I've been smoking more since I got back here. Not for any real reason, just because hash is so cheap here, and it's constantly available to me. It's just how I decompress. I sit out on this balcony and watch the boats come in. Unfortunately, I think it does make working out and everything harder. I don't really work less or anything. I don't feel that laziness or lack of motivation that other people talk about. Hell, I don't even get the munchies really.It's just been a weirder life. I really feel like the hard grind is over for now. I almost went broke and worked myself into the ground, because I took another flashy backing deal, where I could go so many places and play so many events. You don't even think about where its all going. The lack of freedom you really have in those deals. Yeah, you get to play everywhere, for millions of dollars, but its years of your life. It's a long term deal. It's not something you can half ass, or you'll become one of the guys who is stuck grinding forever to get out of unbelievable makeup.I'm really robust right now. I'm not one of these poker players who cares about the money incredibly and I think that actually hurts me, well, in regards to how successful I will be as a professional. I think I'm happier as a person. I'm only playing a few hours a day and actually doing really well at 1000 NL down to 200 NL, just 10-16 tabling 6-max, but I listen to some of these guys talk and they are just so into the money. I think I just like having a project that affords me so much freedom.Being backed cut that off from me. I love living in different places. I was going to have to stay pretty much in the United States for the next couple years if I wanted to be a tournament professional. That's all some of my friends want, and I wish them the best, but its so not me, at this time.I've been enjoying what I've been doing here. It's more stable and relaxing than rushing everywhere to play tournaments, but unfortunately not as exciting. I'm getting my 1,000 words a day written. I'm paranoid the book will read like shit but all I can do is keep hammering away and do what I want to do with it, make a book I would want to read.Cash is going really well, but its ridiculous how much of an upswing I'm on currently. Like I'm winning so many pots that could go either way and I'm coolering the shit out of people. I'm not getting cocky while things are going well.Other than that just getting chores done. Got a big list of them, doing one a day. Smoothed things over with the maid. Paid some bills. Got this place cleaned. Got infinity billion loads of laundry done. Called the dentist.Eating out a lot. Daniel and I go out a lot. When I'm not breaking things drunk we have a pretty good time.I think I'm going to start always working harder Sunday through Thursday then just party on Friday and Saturday.At some point, if Stars ever figures out how to make a fucking bank wire, I just may play some tournaments again.Reading a lot. Watching a lot of Samurai Champloo. Watched Cocaine Cowboys last night, and that was incredibly cool.Been doing some thinking about where I'm going after Malta. I've been doing a lot of reading into the Philippines and I'm really interested in living there. I kind of just want to get out of Europe for now. I've seen a ton of countries and lived in a lot of different places for the EPT this season, and I'm just kind of burned out here.There's a lot of culture and fun things to do, but it kind of lacks that insanity. I've had a ton of fun in Europe, but just kind of want a change.I get talked to like I'm a child a lot because I'm American, or just generally viewed as an uncultured ape, when I'm just different. Many Europeans have this belief that they are incredibly intelligent and cultured and I'm just some fucking idiot who has wandered into their space.Most people are cool, and I love how life is a little slower paced here and people take time to have meals and talk, but one person out of maybe 20 will just not like me for being American. They give me the "what a fucking idiot" look whenever I talk, sometimes when I'm just walking, they try to screw me over in clubs, they try to pick fights, they serve me last in restaurants, they just generally disrespect me, for nothing more than an accent.The women here are hot, but you have to have serious game. I botch shit all the time. In Latin America or Asia I can be sleep walking and still will probably get somewhere. Here if I'm not dressed right, move things a notch too slow or too fast, it just falls apart. Some women just love me for being American but a lot don't even give me a chance.That's not to say I haven't had a great time here. There's so much culture and history in Europe. I love the people and all the experiences I've had here. I've learned so much about the world, and had the time of my life. I just want a change.WSOP I'm still not decided on yet. The idea of two months of live poker and dealing with gamblers every day does not motivate me. I still am pretty sure I am going to go see my family though so I might just roll up with 20k and see what happens. If I'm not feeling it might just fly home.I want to go to Amsterdam to mellow out for a while. One of the few places I haven't been to in Europe yet that I want to see before I bail out.Currently Listening To:Lydia - This December; It's One More And I'm FreeThe Gathering - HomeReef The Lost Cauze - A Vicious CycleRammstein